A Humorous Look at Why We Might Be Better Off Not Having Fought the Revolution

I sit writing this on the day we Americans celebrate our independence from the British. Jack and I spent the day with friends, eating fruit, barbecued pulled pork on a bun, cole slaw and fries. We enjoyed iced tea—both sweetened an un- —and that most American of desserts, apple pie. Like many of you, we celebrated the Fourth of July unmindful of the heat, concentrating more on the coldness of the watermelon.

I couldn’t help but wonder what we would have celebrated in July had we not fought the War for Independence. Maybe we shouldn’t have—we wouldn’t have had the War Between the States if there’d never been any states, for example. So here are ten reasons we might have been better off if we’d remained British. I’ve never claimed to be a scholar, and you’ll soon see why I’m right. Please excuse any mis-statements.

1. We would have tea. Not just the drink, which is delicious, comes in lots of blends, and is so much more soothing than coffee to drink when you have a cold. I mean the activity, TEA. Sitting back, relaxing, sipping a wonderfully warm, bracing blend such as Darjeeling while nibbling on tiny sandwiches, cake and biscuits (cookies to us Yanks). And when you ordered tea in a restaurant they would be faster to recognize when you need more hot water. Now you’re basically ignored. 🙁
2. We could lay claim to thousands of years of glorious history. I have to admit, as a die-hard Virginian, are somewhat snobbish about history when we visit places like North Dakota. Not that ND doesn’t have a resplendent history, but Virginians are rather prideful. (She says with pride.) Anyway, if we’d remained British, we could point to things like Stonehenge, York Minster, and Beatrix Potter’s house and say to the rest of the world, “Look what we have, nyah, nyah, nyah!”
3. The British have the coolest currency. If we hadn’t broken away, we too could have pretty colored paper money, and easy to figure out coinage. Plus, when your pockets are full of pounds, you feel rich (and you walk a little to one side), even if you only have $15.
4. We’d have a queen (I mean that in the royal sense of the world, not the Elton John sense). A president is pretty neat, but gosh, a QUEEN. Think of it. I really like Queen Elizabeth. Call me crazy, but I love her clothes, her hats and even her handbags. (Queen Elizabeth, if you’re reading this, maybe you’d be appreciative enough to offer an invite to Balmoral?)
5. If we were still one country, maybe air fare would be cheaper, or maybe they’d keep the QE II running, but at reasonable prices. I’m all for a quick weekend trip to Great Britain.
6. We’d have been taught to pronounce words like “Edinburgh,” “Cheltenham,” and “Magdalen College.” Or why they have seven rivers named River Avon, though the word avon itself means river. So it’s really Stratford-upon-River? Somehow that loses something in translation.
7. We could claim PG Wodehouse, Oscar Wilde, Hugh Laurie, anyone who speaks with a Scot accent, but especially Sean Connery, The Bodleian, Diana Riggs, Stephen Fry, Monty Python, Masterpiece Theatre and Mystery, Camelot and magic, Richard Burton, and I could go on and on.
8. We’d already drive on the left side, so when we took those inexpensive vacations and rented a car, we’d know what the hell we were doing.
9. We’d have Boxing Day AND Christmas—twice the celebrations!
10. The Brits are known for their stiff upper lip. Sometimes we Americans could use a bit of that.

Okay, so I’m kidding about all this. Even with the problems and troubles we have, the political squabbling, and the economic ups and downs, we’ve grown from an insignificant little nation to a rather remarkable force. A force for good more than evil, or at least I think so.

On this July Fourth as on every other of my life, I’m proud to be an American. Proud, tall (which I’m happy to say is a relative term, since I’m pretty darn short) and unashamed.

I thank the men and women who have fought—and still fight—to allow us our bar-b-ques and our arguments and celebrations. Without you, we would be driving on the left and eating bangers and mash instead of hotdogs. Thank you for your sacrifice.

Happy birthday, America, and may you stay strong and well.

Dee

Only a Good Man Will Do: Seriously ambitious man seeks woman to encourage his goals, support his (hopeful) position as Headmaster of Westover Academy, and be purer than Caesar’s wife. Good luck with that!

Naval Maneuvers: When a woman requires an earth-shattering crush of pleasure to carry her away, she can’t do better than to call on the US Navy. Sorry, Marines!